The scene: March 27, 2024 – an office facing Market Square on the 4th floor of City Hall. A man wearing Mickey Mouse ears is seated behind a desk. Suddenly the shrill sound from the phone breaks the silence.
Rrrring-Rrrring-Rrrinng
Hello, Hizzoner da Mayor here.
What? Calm down, I can’t understand what you’re saying.
Oh, it’s you, Nurse Ratched, what’s up?
Yeah, I heard about that lady that resigned from the Planning Board – so what?
I saw the column she wrote in Seacoastonline — it really made me mad that they gave her so much space — who needs to hear her side of the story?
Stop giggling! What’s so funny? You have good news?
Now they’re going to print our side of the story, a nice LONG article with quotes from the City Manager, Chair of the Planning Board, other Planning Board members, someone from the Planning Department (and of course da Mayor) – they’re going to bring out the top guns, really pile on — I like that!!
And the reporter is going to be calling me soon for some pithy quotes, and you want to approve them first?
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? Monte usually hands me a script before I talk to the press and he’s on vacation!
Okay, I’ll figure out something. Goodbye!
Now what am I going to do? I have to think of some clever quotes before that reporter calls. I wish Nit Zero was around. He always has a quick retort.
But the last time I saw ol’ NZ, he was sitting on the steps of the South Meeting House with a hammer and nails muttering something about putting on solar panels.
Too bad the Children’s Museum moved to Dover. I sure do miss the Yellow Submarine!
Maybe I should call Yoda. She’s always telling me how to run the City Council meetings. I know she can suggest something that will make me sound brilliant! Wait, she told me she was busy rezoning the entire city and won’t be available for a while.
I know one person I am not going to call – the Assistant Mayor! Did you see how she practically took over the March 18 City Council meeting?
I was ready to put my John Hancock on official-looking correspondence to our D.C. Congressional delegation, you know, the letter that Craig Welch asked ME to write. Seems the Portsmouth Housing Authority is ready to start turning the Sherburne School into workforce housing and needs some extra cash from Community Project Funding.
The Assistant Mayor started complaining about the request. She’s concerned that “conversations haven’t gone through the Blue-Ribbon Committee”, and that there’s no signed contract with PHA, no land lease agreement, and it needs to be worked through with her Housing Committee – details, details, DETAILS! This is my chance to show who’s boss around here!
Wish she were more like Burgundy-Bagley, who said, as far as Sherburne School, we can’t get “shovels in the ground soon enough!”
Even Kondo Cook, who can find problems with anything, said that she didn’t see any harm in the Council sending a support letter for PHA, so there!
Rrrring-Rrrring-Rrrinng
Uh Oh
Hizzoner da Mayor!
Hey, Nurse Ratched, I know you’re waiting, I just need another minute or two — call you back – bye!
I need to get serious about this. Where can I find something smart to say about this brouhaha over some lady quitting at the last Planning Board meeting.
Seriously, some of her complaints were crazy – like this one:
“In recent years, the Board has rubber-stamped a whole lot of new luxury and ‘market’ rate condos, some with penthouses, many new hotels rooms, and very little actual affordable workforce housing that City Council claims is their big priority.”
What’s wrong with a penthouse or two in Portsmouth? I have my eye on a new one being built on Maplewood Ave., it’s listed for a cool $4.9 million, that’s my kind a place.
Back to the article. I’ll start off with something conciliatory like:
“I was disappointed obviously that Miss Begala … couldn’t complete her term.”
Nice, perfect, I have exemplary communication skills!
But I need a few zingers.
You know what, I should take a look on Facebook for something witty to say, lots of local folks like to post things there and maybe I could borrow something – no one would notice.
What’s this one: “If anyone has or had a crush on the owner of the Old Ferry Landing’s son…”
Woops, ha ha ha, that’s funny but not what I need.
Let me go check The Pulse, I don’t like the smart alecks that run that paper but every now and then…
Oh boy, this is my lucky day!
Here’s a Facebook post about this very topic: I “like” it, especially Point 1: where he says: “take your ball and go home”? I don’t follow, must make sense in Facebook world, but it has a nice ring to it, so why don’t I say something like this:
“The idea that the Planning Board is somehow going to stop private property owners that follow the rules for zoning, that’s a take-your-ball-and-go-home sort of attitude.”
Hey, I like this snappy prose in the last line of the post: “Don’t like it, participate!” (Although it sounds a lot like: “put up or shut up” and I’m too nice a guy to be rude.)
I know, I’ll encourage folks to participate in the upcoming process to craft a new master plan for Portsmouth “that we can all be proud of.” (Just love saying that!)
Of course, I don’t mean it and really don’t care what the folks think.
Just ask the homeowners in Pannaway Manor. At the rate we’re going, Sherburne School will be demolished before the first meeting of the Blue-Ribbon Committee.
And what’s all this complaining about an outdated Master Plan? I heard that the subcommittee has been working on it for almost a year and is ready to issue an RFP (or was in an RFQ?)
We’ll get to it, eventually.
Got my quotes collected and my ducks in a row. This is going to be a great article!
Just in time! Here’s Nurse Ratched.
Rrrring-Rrrring-Rrrinng
Didi@portsmouthpulse.com
Source phone image: ispreview.co.uk
