By Jonathan Swift
City leadership met today to form a new team, one that addresses the community’s
latest crisis: the crisis crisis.
“We were afraid that terms like “the housing crisis” and “the climate crisis” were
beginning to lose their impact,” Mayor McEachern told reporters, who were frothing
at the mouth at the mention of the word “crisis.”
“We couldn’t let the familiarity of these terms lead to complacency,” the Mayor
said. “The Crisis Response Team will continually identify new crises to ensure citizen
activism and engagement remain at a healthy, panic-stricken level.”
Local residents were pleased with the announcement.
“We could use another crisis,” said Joe Johnson, 67, a retiree who lives on Miller
Street. “Sometimes, after I’ve been up all night, thinking about all the problems out there, I get uneasy. Another crisis would probably make me feel better.”
“I avoid talking to people and leaving the house, to make sure I have enough time to think about whatever the big crisis is for that day. For some reason, I feel unfulfilled. I guess I need more to worry about.”
Other residents echoed Johnson’s concerns.
“People my age have never lived without a crisis,” observed Aiden Smith, 17, a
cashier at Whole Foods. “And, I mean, thank God, because how boring would it be
without one? I’m glad the City’s doing its part to promote more crises.”
“I just hope they make regular updates on TikTok,” a co-worker added.
One of the first steps the Crisis Response Team hopes to take is to add an
overwhelming request for staff and supplies to next year’s City budget. The plan is
to cause a budgetary crisis by funding the Crisis Response Team.
“It’s genius,” the Mayor said.
McEachern got personal during an interview about the new team.
“We’re always striving to address one crisis or another,” he said, “but there’s
always something more to be done. I think. Based on the endless use of the word
‘crisis’ in the media, there must be millions of crises going on all the time, and I
would hate for Portsmouth, on my watch, to miss out on any of them.”
A bearded man from the park said the formation of the Crisis Response Team had
given him hope.
A local madman felt better after hearing about the solution to the crisis crisis.
“As I feel the emptiness of existence permeate every fiber of my soul, as I see the
light flicker out behind the eyes of the nameless shadows of wasted lives, as I contemplate the inevitable supernova of the sun and the end of all life, all effort, all thought, and recognize that my brief existence has no more meaning than that of a grain of sand or cigarette butt, I find renewed hope because now, I know there will always be a crisis to distract me from the vanity of being.”
“How did he get in here?!” asked McEachern after the man’s soliloquy ended. The
man wept and tried to embrace the Mayor, who squirmed awkwardly in his chair.
“Security?” he said, “I think we have a crisis here…”
